fuck!

Oct. 23rd, 2006 11:57 am
chocolate_chip: (Default)
FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK. D:

My very very extremely important appointment today?

Missed it.

Partially because my clock was wrong from the damn power outage, but mostly because ever since going on the damn ADD meds, my damn sense of time has been completely fucked up. I haven't been on time for anything in the last 3 weeks. *bangs head on wall* Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
chocolate_chip: (Default)
I just like saying that. XD

On the recommendation of my therapist, I bought a book called ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life. This book is AMAZING. Not only do the suggestions actually WORK, but the book itself is written and organized in such a way that a person with ADD can read it and make sense of it easily without becoming overwhelmed with boredness. One of the suggestions that's been especially helpful to me is to make a "stubby to-do list" each day. When I first read it, I thought, "I don't really need to do that, because I already keep a to-do list." Problem is, that to-do list is a long-term list, and hardly anything on it ever got done. The stubby list, you write 5 things that you NEED TO or WILL do THAT DAY in big letters, and stick it where you will always see it (and take it with you if you tend to forget easily). For example, my list for today was:
1. physical therapy 10:30
2. mail DVD
3. make appt. for Sei-chan
4. register for JLPT
5. send change of e-mail notice
Just small things, but the last three I've been putting off for months. But since I started this stubby list, I've been able to do everything on my list every day! Today, I'm already done! :D And even though it seems like "oh, only 5 things, that's not a lot," in reality, I'm getting sooooooooo much more done. (Like putting a new song up at [livejournal.com profile] geek_mythology!) *bounces* Seriously, I love this book. I'll marry it once the gays destroy society's heteroexclusivity, because IF WE LET A MAN MARRY A MAN, WE'LL HAVE TO LET ANYONE MARRY ANYTHING!

Physical therapy hasn't been too bad. Today we did stretches and then I got mildly electrocuted for ten minutes (my skin hates that part). The therapist says that I have a lot of mobility in my shoulders, but not enough muscle to control it properly, so once the pain is gone, we'll do some upper body strength training, which is something I've been wanting to get to anyway. Hopefully, it will stay nice like this, and not turn into torture like it did when I had to go for my knee. D: (In my XxxxYuu AUverse, Yuuta goes into sports therapy (as a profession, I mean), but that's entirely unrelated.)

Also, Murdock is happiness. Murdock and Yuuta should have totally hetero wild and crazy fun adventures together. That would be awesome. ♥ (HAHA, and Yuuta's expression when he's introduced to BA! XDDDD)
chocolate_chip: (Default)
I've been feeling really depressed today. Most of it is my fault. I shouldn't have gone looking for things that I knew would most likely make me feel bad, but I did anyway.

It's so frustrating, though. I feel like everything I used to enjoy has been taken from me. I was lisening to "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at work today, which is about the happiest, most positive song in the world, and I broke down crying because of all the painful memories it brought back. Even thinking about Golden Pair makes me depressed because it reminds me of someone who I thought was my friend, but then she decided to go be a huge cunt instead. (Which is stupid really, because I was in love with Golden Pair before she ever even heard of Prince of Tennis, and she's not even that much of a fan anymore.) And fall is usually my favorite time of year, but now... I don't even know if I can face it. Especially my birthday. I'd rather not have one at all than spend it alone.

Things were made worse by having brunch with my mother this morning. I knew when she said it would be her treat that she had an agenda, but she knows that breakfast foods are my weakness. Sure enough, as soon as we left the restaurant, she asks if the reason I'm getting sterilized is because I "have plans to become sexually active soon." Fuck, mom, how old am I? Ever hear of none of your goddamn business? Your overbearing prudishness all throughout junior high and high school, combined with your asshole of a fiancé who tried to rape me when I was nine, has damaged me to the point that I've only been on one date in my entire life, and pretty much effectively destroyed all hope of me ever having a functional romantic relationship. I know that you want me to be a life-long virgin, but your work there is done. Finished. You do not have the right to continue ruining that part of me any more, got it? SO FUCK OFF.

But today aside, I've been feeling much better lately. We finally figured out that it was my period that was causing my psychotic spells, so now I increase my medicine the week before, and it's been working great. I also tried this therapy called EMDR, which is amazing. You hold a little pod iin each hand, and they vibrate alternatively. The stimulation helps shake your brain out of stalled thought patterns. It's used a lot to help people with post-traumatic stress disorder, which is essentially what my symptoms were.

But because I'm doing better, now they feel I'm stable enough to start trying out ADD meds. Right now, the major source of dissatisfaction in my life, by far, is my complete inability to do anything. So I do think I really ought to be taking something for my ADD. But I only *just* got my current medication to a workable balance, and I'm really nervous about messing all that up. I really don't want to go back to the psychotic spells and suicide watches.

Well, the only other thing is that I have to go to Germany physical therapy for my shoulder, and that's all the news from Lake Wobegone. Yay for health insurance. x_x

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