chocolate_chip

It's not as if I've lost anything, other than my own unreasonable hopes, but I can't help feeling unbearably lonely.

But better to accept an unpleasant truth than continue to let my heart be someone's doormat.

Right?

It must be nearly ten years now that I've been dreading the end of this month. I know it's stupid, but knowledge doesn't change anything. I feel like my life is over, the good part anyway, and it wasn't even all that good. For a while, I was gonna plan a big party, I really was, but now it's like, what's the point? All of what, maybe three people would show up? Add to that workplace stress, gaining weight, getting "dumped" again by the same person I should have never given another chance to in the first place, shitty generic meds, burning my mouth and being in pain 24/7 for nearly a week now, and not being able to eat a single fucking proper meal because I don't even have room in my kitchen for a goddamn cutting board, never mind where the fuck am I supposed to keep a pot to boil water in, and well, I've been having a time of it lately.

I'm so tired of everything. Of being a constant failure, of being the perennial unpopular girl, of never being able to get my life -- sorry excuse for one that it is -- under control, of never being able to have a relationship because of something that happened 20 years ago, of never being able to accomplish anything, of wasting time instead of living. I always thought that someday things were going to be different, but now I don't think they ever are. I wish I could set fire to my life and start over. I wish I could at least be a psychopath so I didn't have to feel anything. I wish I could get a decent night's sleep for once and not feel like I've been run over all the time. I wish I had the guts to accept that the people I want to care about me don't.