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chocolate_chipI've been feeling really depressed today. Most of it is my fault. I shouldn't have gone looking for things that I knew would most likely make me feel bad, but I did anyway.
It's so frustrating, though. I feel like everything I used to enjoy has been taken from me. I was lisening to "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at work today, which is about the happiest, most positive song in the world, and I broke down crying because of all the painful memories it brought back. Even thinking about Golden Pair makes me depressed because it reminds me of someone who I thought was my friend, but then she decided to go be a huge cunt instead. (Which is stupid really, because I was in love with Golden Pair before she ever even heard of Prince of Tennis, and she's not even that much of a fan anymore.) And fall is usually my favorite time of year, but now... I don't even know if I can face it. Especially my birthday. I'd rather not have one at all than spend it alone.
Things were made worse by having brunch with my mother this morning. I knew when she said it would be her treat that she had an agenda, but she knows that breakfast foods are my weakness. Sure enough, as soon as we left the restaurant, she asks if the reason I'm getting sterilized is because I "have plans to become sexually active soon." Fuck, mom, how old am I? Ever hear of none of your goddamn business? Your overbearing prudishness all throughout junior high and high school, combined with your asshole of a fiancé who tried to rape me when I was nine, has damaged me to the point that I've only been on one date in my entire life, and pretty much effectively destroyed all hope of me ever having a functional romantic relationship. I know that you want me to be a life-long virgin, but your work there is done. Finished. You do not have the right to continue ruining that part of me any more, got it? SO FUCK OFF.
But today aside, I've been feeling much better lately. We finally figured out that it was my period that was causing my psychotic spells, so now I increase my medicine the week before, and it's been working great. I also tried this therapy called EMDR, which is amazing. You hold a little pod iin each hand, and they vibrate alternatively. The stimulation helps shake your brain out of stalled thought patterns. It's used a lot to help people with post-traumatic stress disorder, which is essentially what my symptoms were.
But because I'm doing better, now they feel I'm stable enough to start trying out ADD meds. Right now, the major source of dissatisfaction in my life, by far, is my complete inability to do anything. So I do think I really ought to be taking something for my ADD. But I only *just* got my current medication to a workable balance, and I'm really nervous about messing all that up. I really don't want to go back to the psychotic spells and suicide watches.
Well, the only other thing is that I have to go toGermany physical therapy for my shoulder, and that's all the news from Lake Wobegone. Yay for health insurance. x_x
It's so frustrating, though. I feel like everything I used to enjoy has been taken from me. I was lisening to "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at work today, which is about the happiest, most positive song in the world, and I broke down crying because of all the painful memories it brought back. Even thinking about Golden Pair makes me depressed because it reminds me of someone who I thought was my friend, but then she decided to go be a huge cunt instead. (Which is stupid really, because I was in love with Golden Pair before she ever even heard of Prince of Tennis, and she's not even that much of a fan anymore.) And fall is usually my favorite time of year, but now... I don't even know if I can face it. Especially my birthday. I'd rather not have one at all than spend it alone.
Things were made worse by having brunch with my mother this morning. I knew when she said it would be her treat that she had an agenda, but she knows that breakfast foods are my weakness. Sure enough, as soon as we left the restaurant, she asks if the reason I'm getting sterilized is because I "have plans to become sexually active soon." Fuck, mom, how old am I? Ever hear of none of your goddamn business? Your overbearing prudishness all throughout junior high and high school, combined with your asshole of a fiancé who tried to rape me when I was nine, has damaged me to the point that I've only been on one date in my entire life, and pretty much effectively destroyed all hope of me ever having a functional romantic relationship. I know that you want me to be a life-long virgin, but your work there is done. Finished. You do not have the right to continue ruining that part of me any more, got it? SO FUCK OFF.
But today aside, I've been feeling much better lately. We finally figured out that it was my period that was causing my psychotic spells, so now I increase my medicine the week before, and it's been working great. I also tried this therapy called EMDR, which is amazing. You hold a little pod iin each hand, and they vibrate alternatively. The stimulation helps shake your brain out of stalled thought patterns. It's used a lot to help people with post-traumatic stress disorder, which is essentially what my symptoms were.
But because I'm doing better, now they feel I'm stable enough to start trying out ADD meds. Right now, the major source of dissatisfaction in my life, by far, is my complete inability to do anything. So I do think I really ought to be taking something for my ADD. But I only *just* got my current medication to a workable balance, and I'm really nervous about messing all that up. I really don't want to go back to the psychotic spells and suicide watches.
Well, the only other thing is that I have to go to
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Date: 2006-09-08 06:24 pm (UTC):( A BIG SQUISHY HUG
Date: 2006-09-10 02:18 am (UTC)