getting it all out there in one fell swoop

[chocolate_chip]

It must be nearly ten years now that I've been dreading the end of this month. I know it's stupid, but knowledge doesn't change anything. I feel like my life is over, the good part anyway, and it wasn't even all that good. For a while, I was gonna plan a big party, I really was, but now it's like, what's the point? All of what, maybe three people would show up? Add to that workplace stress, gaining weight, getting "dumped" again by the same person I should have never given another chance to in the first place, shitty generic meds, burning my mouth and being in pain 24/7 for nearly a week now, and not being able to eat a single fucking proper meal because I don't even have room in my kitchen for a goddamn cutting board, never mind where the fuck am I supposed to keep a pot to boil water in, and well, I've been having a time of it lately.

I'm so tired of everything. Of being a constant failure, of being the perennial unpopular girl, of never being able to get my life -- sorry excuse for one that it is -- under control, of never being able to have a relationship because of something that happened 20 years ago, of never being able to accomplish anything, of wasting time instead of living. I always thought that someday things were going to be different, but now I don't think they ever are. I wish I could set fire to my life and start over. I wish I could at least be a psychopath so I didn't have to feel anything. I wish I could get a decent night's sleep for once and not feel like I've been run over all the time. I wish I had the guts to accept that the people I want to care about me don't.

Comments

[yhibiki.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have no idea what is going on in your life right now, and I don't know how things are with other people, but _I_, at least, enjoyed our time together. I liked hanging out with you, and I thought we had a good time. I can't say if you're popular or not, but I can tell you that it doesn't matter -- certainly not to me, and certainly not to anyone worth hanging out with.

As for the rest of it -- I'm about to graduate and I have no idea where I'm going from now on. Life is SCARY, and it doesn't matter what stage of it you're at. You're in Japan -- sure, in a tiny cramped apartment -- but that's already a step ahead of me! Nobody is going to be absolutely awesome at the game of life, it will always have it's ups and downs.

And if you ever need an e-mail partner, I'm always happy to help. I don't know if I'd be able to help with your problems, but I can take your mind off things with fangirling and such.